Today’s word is growth; accepting that growth happens in its own time
Battling between desires
To be rich and powerful
And to be a saint; it is a test by fire
I sense hope that I can transcend the slow evolution of humanity
Along with a sense of despair, as my cravings pull me back
The conflict making it harder for me to be at peace and feel a sense of sanity
I realise that giving into my desires is also evolution
Who knows what is right and wrong in the evolutionary process
If at this point, life is making me crave, then not fighting it must be the right solution.
I drop the idea of controlling my growth
I accept that growth happens in its own time
Just by accepting I realize I’ve already leaped generations forth.
A friend of mine called randomly at 10:50 PM to talk to me; just to check on me. I had just wrapped up a work call, and it had been a really busy day on the personal front as well. I generally gave her a run down of the day’s happenings. Knowing that it was going to be a busy day, I had told my wife the previous day that we could eat out; that way she does not have to cook, and I can eat some non-vegetarian food. I had been under the weather for the past week, and my wife did not think it was a good idea to eat out. She woke up early as usual, and cooked a full spread. The moment I woke up and saw her cooking, I was wrought with disappointment. The entire morning I could only think about how I was going to eat vegetarian food, and when it comes to food, it shows in my face. My wife was miffed. The next day she refused to cook, and asked me to order whatever nonsense I wanted. I did, and I enjoyed my meal, but not without the guilt of disappointing my wife. It is not that she is against me eating what I want, and we do go out at least once a week to eat out. She is just not for ordering food from outside every other day; it is not healthy. This guilt-ridden binging on non-vegetarian wasn’t new to me.
I asked my friend- how the hell do I get rid of all these cravings? I want a big house, I want money, I want fame, I want to eat whatever I want, but I know these are all pointless in the long run. I quoted J.Krishnamurti and Nisargadutta Maharaj– everyone says that running after your desires results only in more harm. It only takes you farther away from the truth. I asked her, how can I not be conflicted when I know what they are saying is true, and I do want to get there, but the pain of not getting what I desire (materially) keeps pulling me back. She said something very funny, and insightful (paraphrased)- “The only specimen you have to work with in this life is you. You cannot use J.K or Maharaj as the specimen to decide what is your next step of growth. If you are craving non-vegetarian at the moment, that is the truth for you. Accept it and believe there is some growth in that as well”.
The word that came to my mind today was growth. I thought it was apt that I write about my conversation with her.
Note: This is an experiment I started a few days ago. I write about the first word that comes to my mind. I write spontaneously. No thinking, planning, researching. Obviously, a lot of what I write will come from what I’ve read. I don’t claim that what I’m writing is accurate or what I’ve experienced. It is what comes to my mind when I think about the word. Also, I’m not following any format. The other posts in this series: