How will everything be automatically fine? Nothing seems fine. The uneasiness that I experience every morning when I wake up on a work day. My hesitation to check my phone when I wake up lest I see some escalation about work that I have put off. My unwillingness to act. Procrastinating work despite the knowledge that things are way over their deadlines. I sometimes wonder if I’m trying to get myself fired. Despite that, everyone seems to think I’m doing a good job. Everyone likes working with me. Everyone around seems to be understanding of the delays. However, in my mind, I know it is a bubble waiting to burst. One fine day, it’ll be done.
While I go through the depths of demotivation, and my lows, I’m being reminded that I should have faith. This is good suffering. There is learning in this for me. I just need to be open to change. No amount of beating myself up about how I should not be low, how I should be an achiever, how I should be excellently organized, will help me out of this suffering. It is only going to push me further deep. It is only going to prevent me from learning from this experience and growing.
What do I do then? I’ve been reading a beautiful book- Do you See What I see by Jae Jah Noh (Edwin Carl Smith). Accept, Observe, Be Sincere, the author says. Just be open and willing to change. Let go of the thought that you control the change, or that you can force a change yourself, and effect change the way you want. You just need to let go and have faith. Faith in the life process. Unconditional faith that everything is as it is meant to be, and change will come, by the grace of god (or universe, nature, life; whatever you want to call it). Accept that everything is as it is meant to be. Observe how you mind thinks, don’t try to change it. Be sincere in your quest for a larger understanding.
It is a struggle though. Unconditional faith and acceptance are not easy. I’m full of conflicts. While I see the pointlessness of material pursuits, I crave more material things- success, fame, more money, and a lavish life. How does one have unconditional faith when your mind is full of conflicts? I guess I just have to accept that, that it how it is. I am full of conflicts. I accept that I am full of conflicts. It is not just me; 99% of people live with conflicts. I need to accept, and believe this is also how it is supposed to be. I need to go through these conflicts before I can be free of them. I’m open. I’m willing to change. I need his grace. I am positive it will come. Everything will come, in time.
